Shame of Loneliness

I wrote, deleted, and rewrote a text to one of my closest friends feeling incredibly raw and vulnerable. I told her I didn’t want to be alone on Thanksgiving. 

I soon felt a familiar immense shame rise within me. I call this my vulnerability hangover. The part of me that deeply fears revealing my heart. The part that says, “Oh shit. Now what are they going to do?” As it braces for rejection.

It’s a shame that claws at my heart, whispering in its cold harsh tone that something is wrong with me for even being lonely. That if I were “better” in some ever elusive way, I wouldn’t be alone and lonely. It essentially attempts to blame me for my loneliness. 

AFTER thirty-five years, I know this egoic fearful part of me is full of shit and is a liar.  But it’s a part of me nonetheless. So, I do my best to feel it, love it, and soften its edges. 

I will admit, I’ve also learned to hide it really well. I’ve learned beautiful ways to connect inward and cultivate love for myself, by myself. Often hiding the truth of my hurting heart.

I hide it through pictures of big smiles and by prioritizing care of others. I’d rather inquire about how you are rather than take space to tell you how I am. I have abandoned myself for years by doing this because I learned my emotions were often too much, seen as untrustworthy, and not welcomed. 

So hiding became a useful and reliable strategy. 

MOST often, we haven’t been taught how to respond to pain, grief, heartache, and fear. We aren’t shown how to meet people with compassion for where they are in their journeys. We become uncomfortable with strong emotions, confused by our own empathy that causes us to feel sadness when others are sad and pain when others are hurting. So we react to dismiss another’s experience in order to relieve ourselves from the heartaches of feeling with them. (You may want to read that again…)

A gift of these recent years, has been trusting myself in the deepest of ways. That whatever I feel has every right to be felt and also shared. It’s really uncomfortable sometimes. But it’s better than hiding so much and so often.

I’ve learned to risk sharing how hard this year has been as a single person, living on her own and 1300 miles away from family. Some have really blown it in their lack of responsiveness and closed hearts. But others met me exactly where I was and with so much love.

And that made every risk and every vulnerable hangover worth it.

To all my fellow single people, grieving people, hurting people, lonely people: This year, the holidays are going to be really hard. And so, we have to courageously reach out. We have to risk it. And perhaps we can help those who love us understand, all we need is company and compassion. 

Perhaps this year, we could all keep our minds and hearts a bit more open.
Perhaps this year, we can set another chair at the table and consider who may need the company.
Perhaps this year, we can all reach out beyond our comfort zones, ask for help and respond with love. 

Baggage of Sensitivity

I’m pretty certain I was born sensitive. My earliest memories all revolve around feeling intensely. And that’s exactly how I define sensitivity: feeling with intensity. It’s having a deep inner emotional world and noticing subtitles others seem to miss. Scientists actually have a technical name for people like me. We’re called The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Might sound intriguing. But it’s a tough world to be a sensitive person in. Yet, the world needs us.

It’s tough for HSPs to grasp how others could miss what seems to be so glaringly important and obvious to us. What hits us deep in our hearts and even our souls, we can’t ignore. But with HSP’s only being about 15-20% of the population, we live as a minority and can often feel outcasted or misunderstood in how we experience the world. 

Music was at the center of my earliest sensitive memories. I would be deeply moved (usually to tears) by music of all kinds. Just a twist on a music box could get me going. It simply needed the right tempo, chords, and rhythm. I remember being little and crying when my mom would play Cannon in D on piano at night. My brother, somehow hearing my snuffles or sobs, would soon yell downstairs, “Mom! She’s crying again.”  

My mom would come to comfort me only to hear me say, “It’s just so beautiful.” I love that little me who felt so deeply and honestly. She inspires me. But remembering her also reminds me that this was when my baggage began to collect. 

Those words - she’s crying again. In part, they told me something was wrong with me and my tears. From what I could tell, no one else was impacted like I was. I seemed to be different and different didn’t seem so great. So the baggage began showing up and by baggage, I really mean my shame. The shame of my sensitivity. The shame that said something was wrong with me. 

My parents, my sister, my brother, teachers, friends, boyfriends often didn’t know what to do with my emotions. Why would they? I came into this world wired differently and frankly, how could they relate? So, unintentionally, I began to be filled with shameful messages of being too much. Too emotional. Too dramatic. And yes, of course, too sensitive. 

I worked really hard to tone it down and build a tougher skin. I heard that message a lot as well, that I should “toughen up.” If I could be tougher, then I thought I would be more liked and sadly, I also believed I would be more loveable. I started to develop a protective cold shield to hide my big tender heart. By learning how to toughen up, I learned how to pretend to care less. I learned to be less invested so that my heart didn’t get so hurt. I wasn’t very successful… because that was never who I was. And it caused me more pain to hide who I really was.

See, this is the superpower of being sensitive. We care so much. So much that sometimes we’re flooded, overwhelmed, and don’t know what to do. But we care so much. I believe our superpower helps the remaining 80-85% of you notice what matters. Like our relationships, our connections to each other, how we treat each other, our animals, our environment and our world. I like to imagine more HSPs becoming great influential leaders so that we can transform what has been otherwise cold, uncompassionate, and uncaring. But to become these great leaders, we cannot carry our baggage of shame. We cannot believe we are too much. 

A dear friend of mine (a fellow HSP) shared that when she gets in arguments with her partner and her sensitivity becomes activated, she fires back, “I’m special and you’re really lucky to have me.” I love this! I love how she embraces and transforms what could otherwise be shameful into owning her superpower of being sensitive. 

We all play a part here. Those of us who identify with feeling intensely need to embrace how much of an incredible gift this truly is. To commit to showing up with our big ol’ hearts open so that we can help others open their hearts too. For those of you who love us sensitive types, just love us. See our gifts, learn from us and create space for our sensitive souls. Try not to shame us by telling us we’re too much but instead try being curious. It’s hard to understand our intensity, I can get that. Just try imagining anything you might feel being 10x stronger. That’s essentially what it is like for us on the inside. When we  see an animal or person suffering, and our hearts literally break. We are then more compelled to help and take action. For me that can include needing to bring home shelter dogs or feeling the pain and panic when we pass an accident on the road. It’s only because we feel it all more deeply - happiness, sadness, excitement, fear. All of it.

Together we can transform the shameful baggage of sensitivity. Together we can see the superpowers of sensitivity and use them for good, not evil.  And while some of us may be more inclined to be sensitive, I wholeheartedly believe we all have big hearts inside. Maybe we could work on having less armor around our hearts and allow for more of our hearts to be known.

If you want to learn more about HPS and take a quick assessment here is a great link: https://hsperson.com

What to do When Feeling Disconnected...

In every relationship, disconnection happens. While it may be normal, it isn’t healthy. When disconnection seeps into a relationship, what we do with it matters most. 

Like a slow leak, when left to its own devices, disconnection can cause severe damage over time. And if we wait for the flood, we’re sometimes too late to the scene. When couples enter my office in complete crisis, with their marriages and relationships on the brink, I often discover disconnecting patterns that started early in the relationship. For years, they either didn’t notice the slow leak or they had no idea how to talk about it or what to do with it. 

It’s important to understand that as social human beings, we are wired to be in relationships. And more so, we are wired to be in relationships where we can depend and need others. We weren’t made to be isolated and solely independent beings. Being on our own causes illness, disease, depression, and anxieties. So, when disconnection shows up in your relationship, it’s imperative you know what to do next. 

Notice

Tune into the red flags of disconnection. It might be less time spent together, increasing conflict, less physical touch, or perpetuating silence when you’re in the same room. Red flags vary for each relationship. But there are common feelings that signals disconnect. It’s usually a ping of loneliness, feelings of misunderstanding, and questioning whether you truly matter to your mate.  

Close the Gap

When disconnection shows up, a common response is to wait and avoid. And nothing could be more damaging! This is when that slow leak starts to wreak havoc. The sooner disconnection is addressed the better. Yes, we all need moments to pause or step away when things get heated. But learning how to come together ASAP to repair and close the gap is critical. Face and trust your feelings of disconnection. Then courageously go towards your partner to tell them what you’re noticing. Most importantly, let your partner know that you’re seeking to reconnect and that you’re not looking to place blame or attack. 

Check In

If you and your partner can make it a regular habit to check in on your connection, you’re well on your way to having a strong secure relationship. Begin being purposeful in asking not just “how are you?” but asking “How connected do you feel with me? Have I been showing up for you?” These are emotionally intimate questions and conversations. At first, they may feel awkward or strange. That’s Ok. Because moving into discomfort is how we grow in relationship. Take the risk! And you’ll soon find the reward. 

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

Master of First Dates

Dating is challenging and dating in the mountains has its own unique challenges. A main challenge is the shear lack of it. There are hook-ups and hang outs. But, rarely is there a proper date. With the lack of healthy dating emerges a new character to the relationship scene: The Master of First Dates. 

The Master of First Dates has capitalized on this dating deficiency. Their central motive is to impress and seduce. All to fuel an underlying need to feel good about who they are and what they can offer. With a knack for an initial attention to detail, they’ve conquered a handful of solid go-to techniques. From basic manners, to being on the forefront of the restaurant scene, they’ll wine, dine and charm you. Compared to your last hook-up, you’ll feel like royalty when with a first date master. 

This is exactly where the dating slope gets slippery. 

Our human nature is to want more of what we like. We like to be taken out, focused on, and treated special. Therefore, the craving for successive dates with a true first date master is understandable. But here is where the line is drawn and where the Master of First Dates will not cross. On the other side of this line lies commitment, security, and stability. All of which the first date master quickly runs from. 

The Master of First Dates isn’t interested in successive dates for one reason. It’s all about the thrill. The thrill that comes with newness, excitement, and enticement. With successive dates the thrill is lost and their secret is at risk of being discovered. Remember, The Master of First Dates has a limited array of impressive charming behaviors. Over multiple dates, these tend to be repeated and lose their appeal. They then stand to lose the power they’ve held and face the risk of rejection. Hence, the utter importance of keeping it new and fresh. It’s an incredibly successive strategy to avoiding the painful sting of rejection! But it is also successful in preventing real connection from being formed. 

If you’re looking for a relationship that’s lasting, The Master of First Dates will distract you and lead you astray. They aren’t ready for commitment because frankly, they’re terrified by it. So, they mask their fears through being unattainable. 

The clearest indication of a first date master is an overdone and overkill date. The old adage “too good to be true” fits here. The magical night together is quickly followed by distance, avoidance, and a dead-end. Resist the urge to chase after them, as they ride off into the sunset. You’ll soon grow exhausted and anxious by your efforts. 

Tell me! Have you been with a Master of First Dates? 

Too Busy To Connect

Another summer season seems to be slipping through my fingers. There are never enough days to cross off the bucket list of hikes and adventures. My husband and I recently found ourselves arguing about this exact issue. Both frustrated by how we struggle to have time to actually spend time together. From what I can tell and from what I’m hearing, we’re not the only couple in the valley with this problem. There are plenty of you among us! 

Between work obligations, family visiting, weddings, baby showers, volunteering, we barely have a few long weekends left to be out together exploring these mountains. We share in the disappointment but usually look to the other person to give up a commitment verses volunteering to let go of one of our own…

Some might call it a catch-22. But I see this as nearly too common of an epidemic. We just too busy to connect. Multiple jobs, the kid’s constant activities, additional obligations, including that race or marathon you have to train for, all get in the way of our relationships. 

Think about this: What if this time was committed back into your relationships? 

Being busy has nothing to do with being productive or fulfilled. Busyness is merely distraction wrapped up in convincing packaging. We over schedule meetings, draw out long to-do lists, add another activity, another event, all to make ourselves feel good for having so much to accomplish. But the research tells us, being this busy actually defeats and drains us. Taking a significant toll on our mental and physical well-being. 

Without time to rest, slow down, and to be present, our bodies and minds are in constant over drive. We’re overstimulated and burning out. We rarely ever pause to reflect on what we’re doing and why we do it, persistent to keep moving on to the bigger better thing. It’s honestly a compulsion and it may even suffice that many of us are addicted to staying busy. 

To have meaningful connection with others and to build solid relationships, we need time. Time to experience each other, to talk, share and listen. We even need time to prioritize each other. This ended up being at the heart of that argument my husband and I had. Neither of us felt like we were much of a priority to the other.  Which wasn’t an intention of his nor mine. It’s merely the result of when we put too much ahead of relationships. 

When we can begin to prioritize our families and our friendships, we also begin to practice saying no. No to what is extra. No to what is getting in the way of being able to slow life down and to spend more time “being” with each other - rather than “doing” with each other. I’ve been personally practicing saying no to work and reducing my overbooked schedule. It a tough exercise because I love what I do! But it is important. Because it is a practice of beginning to say yes to the relationships that matter most to me. 

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

What to Ask a Therapist?

Seeking out counseling is usually nerve racking, vulnerable, and likely scary for most. That initial phone call to a therapist is usually one the hardest first steps. At least that’s what I hear from my clients… And research tells me folks consider counseling at least eight times before ever reaching out. All the while, they remain stuck, stagnant, and hurt. 

It all makes sense to me. Here you are, in a painful, uncertain moment in your life. Part of you is begging for guidance and help. Another part of you doesn’t want anyone to know how deeply you’re struggling. We all tend to hide these more vulnerable parts away, to try to keep them protected and out of sight. I get it and have been there myself - not knowing which therapist to call or how to even decide who is the best person help.

Then there’s the valid thought of, “Why would I go to a stranger and open up? Shouldn’t I be able to reach out to my partner, my best friend or my mom?” Absolutely. And you definitely need these important people in your corner to give love and support. But what I often tell those who reach out to me, is if you could have resolved this issue or struggle, you likely would have. Often clients have exhausted options and run into dead ends in finding relief. Also, when struggling in life or in relationships, you need an unbiased guide who knows which path to take. A guide who has specialized training, skills, and knowledge. That’s where someone like me, a therapist, comes in. While mom or your best friend are well intentioned, they too are impacted when they see you struggling and what you need from them is different from what a therapist can give. 

The other piece clients tell me is that, “I don’t know what to ask. This is so new and different, I’m a bit lost in what I should do.” Let me step in and help. If you’ve been thinking about counseling to help you, your relationship or your family here’s a quick go to guide on what to ask a therapist. Because this is your life and your heart. You need to have confidence that this person can give you the help you’re needing. 

1.     What do you specialize in? 

We can’t do it all! And more importantly, we need to know what we are great at. While most therapists are capable of seeing a wide array of clients, high performing and high quality therapists know what they specialize in. From populations to issues, a great therapist will clearly tell you what their areas of focus are while also explaining what their limitation are. 

If you are facing challenges in your relationship or marriage, reaching out for help with your child/adolescent, or facing aspects of trauma and addiction these are critical areas to ensure a therapist has specific training, certification and support in. If they can’t articulate how they are specialized, it might be best to keep exploring a better fit. 

2.     What model do you use and why? What is your overall approach to therapy?

Along with clarifying specializations, therapists need to be able to articulate their approach to counseling and be able to explain it in terms that you can understand. Academic, psychological, mumbo-jumbo that glides right over your head is not what you need. You deserve to understand why they do what they do.  

3.     Tell me about your experience and how long have you been practicing? 

These are simple important facts to know and understand. Even if the therapist is new, they can have a wealth of experience that supports their work. Be open to learning about their experiences beyond the walls of private practice. And pay attention to whether they continually invest in keeping their skills sharp with trainings and certifications. 

4.     Do you receive supervision? Do you regularly consult with other therapists?

This is critical. It’s common for therapists to report feelings of isolation in their practice. Once they’ve graduated, become licensed, and are experienced many therapists stop growing. No matter how long someone has been practicing or how experienced they might be, collaborating with others is essential to providing high quality care. 

5.     Do you value relationships, emotional bonds, or would you say you are neutral or believe in individualistic modalities? 

This is a suggested question from my own supervisor and mentor, Jim Thomas. Jim is a renown therapist and international trainer. As Emotionally Focused Therapists (EFT) we prioritize relationships and the bonds that connect us. Because it is only through secure relationships that we experience our deepest healing. So, Jim and I suggest you take into serious account how a therapist views connection to others in their approaches to counseling. 

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

Being Needy is Good Thing

Go on, ask for what you want and more so what you need. Lay claim to what is true for you. Trust me it’s a good thing.

So many of my clients share a fear of being “needy.” They believe, “I’ll loose myself if I lean on my partner too much. I also shouldn’t really need anything from them.” And I’ll be honest, I used to believe this too. I have felt that internal struggle of wanting to be close but cautious it would take away from being connected to just ME.

It’s plain out scary to depend on someone to support you and to show up for you emotionally. By relying on someone, we give up a sense of control and we become vulnerable to being hurt by this very same person. But the absolute 100% truth is that we are hard wired to first be DEPENDENT on others with our own individual independence coming in second. It’s not the other way around.

Let me explain.

Our culture has become obsessed with personal independence. Pulling yourself up by your OWN bootstraps is high-fived and celebrated. Standing on your own two feet is recognized as strength. But once you ask for help or support, you’re looked down upon as weak, incapable, and definitely not self sufficient. We’ve created a culture that is overly fixated on “my own personal happiness” and a culture that now believes that we are individually in charge of our own well-being. If you’re sad, that’s your problem. If you’re angry, go deal on your own.

We’ve somehow become completely disconnected from our core need to depend on others for emotional support so that we can truly feel seen, heard, and loved.

The end result is extreme loneliness. A loneliness that we are seeing manifest through violence. A loneliness that self protects. A loneliness that craves a drug to escape the deeper pain. It’s a loneliness that conflicts with what makes us human beings.

Let me say this even more clearly: Dependence isn’t a choice. 

This whole independent band wagon is leading us quickly astray and down a lonely, depressed, and emotionally disconnected path. The only choice we have is effective dependence or ineffective dependence. We are just that hard wired down to our heart and soul to be in relationship with others and to DEPEND on others.

This revelation is often the biggest eye opening, a-ha, moment for my clients, especially the couples I see who are struggling to have their needs met in their relationships. They are often struggling because part of them is saying, “You shouldn’t need anyone. You should rely on yourself only. Otherwise you’re too needy!” While another part of them is urgently saying, "You need closeness. You need to feel understood through another. You need this person's consistent love and comfort!"

We need relationship and genuine connection just as much as we need food and water every day. We each also have specific ways of how to feel closeness and to quench that thirst for true connection.

Working with my clients centers around how to move into prioritizing our needs for relationship and how to also have these needs for connection met. Being open about what these needs are and asking directly for what you want is a sure way to avoid any sense of clinginess. When we can honor and celebrate emotional dependency, we can find a truer more genuine independence in ourselves.

"Emotional dependency isn't immature or pathological. It is our greatest strength."
-Dr. Sue Johnson

Leave me a note and tell me if this was helpful!

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

How to End a Relationship

Not every relationship is meant to last. It’s important to understand not only when to end a relationship but how to end it.

If you care for someone and are in a committed relationship with them that you believe needs to end, your emotional awareness is crucial to having it end lovingly rather than exploding in disaster. Showing up emotionally mature and responsive allows the end of the relationship to matter just as much as the beginning. It confirms that you care and validates that you always have.

When relationships end poorly, it impacts both partners. Often there’s a lingering pain that causes questioning of the entire relationship. Broken hearts wonder, “Was I ever truly loved and did they ever really care?” Or, “How can they just shut down their feelings and leave me? I must have never mattered.” 

The result of damaging breakups is a pain that’s deeper and lasts much longer. There isn’t a sense of resolution or the ability to make sense of what has happened. There’s a sudden loss of someone you cared deeply for and it leaves most in a state of panic or despair. 

If your relationship has run its course, break up with love and care. Honor that you tried and likely did all you knew to do to save the connection you created together. Honor that you both discovered needs that perhaps could not be met in the relationship. 

Here are four steps to help you end a relationship:

1.    Get clear on why

When you’re left in the dark, unclear as to why the relationship ended, it adds to the pain you’re already feeling. This is usually due to a lack of clarity and ability to discuss the reasons openly. If you need to end an important relationship, first get thoughtful as to what your own reasons are. Write them out, find the words, because these words matter most to the person you are leaving. It soothes an emotionally upset mind when there’s some logic on board to help make sense of the situation. If you aren’t aware of your own heartfelt reasons, talk it out with a friend, your family, or a therapist. But get clear! 

2.    Communicate Early 

Immature harmful breakups happen abruptly. Mature adult breakups occur when the couple has discussed together specific ongoing issues. When they have tried to work through tough points. Hiding away your feelings to avoid conflict, even if you might be trying to protect your partner, is detrimental to your relationship and to the breakup.  Share openly what you’re struggling with. Talk about what is difficult for you and identifywhat your needs are. This will help you both understand that while you may care for each other, that you may not be the best fit for one another. Let your partner in when you start to question whether you can remain committed to them. 

3.    Set Boundaries Together

Once you’ve discussed ending the relationship it is crucial that you create a plan on what to do next. If this is a committed relationship it’s likely you’ve shared important parts of your lives or it’s likely you even live together. It is essential to openly discuss how to go forward. A boundary is basically what’s ok and what’s not ok. How do we separate our things? How do we handle shared friends? How do we share a pet? You must keep in mind that these boundaries need to be more ridged than flexible at first. You both need to grieve the relationship and recreate your lives as separate people. Continuing to overlap parts of your life will not be helpful and could add more harm…especially at first. 

4.    Friendship Needs to Wait

After setting boundaries, it’s important to be specific about the desire for friendship. Chances are that you both still care for each other. So, you might think it makes sense to build a friendship. But this isn’t possible immediately after a breakup. Both individuals first need to grieve the intimate relationship in their own ways before considering the possibility of creating friendship. We need to completely end what once was, in order to create something new. When you strive for friendship too early, it impacts your own healing and too often feelings get tangled into a mess. Pause and give space if you have hope for a future friendship. 

A breakup will always bring heartbreak and hurt. By showing up open and loving we can minimize the damage and the lasting impact of a relationship ending. And it will help you both heal much faster! 

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

Why Date Night Won't Save Your Marriage

It’s awful to be struggling in your marriage. When you’re feeling stuck and unable to connect with the one you love most, it can leave you utterly helpless. You want the quickest solution to resolve the problem and get back to feeling solid together.

Date night has become the most commonly suggested quick fix and doable idea for floundering relationships.  It makes sense. More time together should equal a better relationship.

But too often this equation falls short. And when date night fails, you find yourself sinking deeper into a hole of despair. You’re left thinking and wondering, “What do we (or I) do now?!”

"Why is it that date night remains the most common suggestion for struggling relationships, while it also continues to fail as a helpful remedy?"

It’s honestly a pretty dang simple answer. When you’re struggling to connect with your partner you are both caught in strong patterns of actions, feelings, and ideas that keep you disconnected. And if you’re disconnecting more often than not, going to your favorite restaurant is not going to self-correct your toxic patterns. In fact, sitting at a romantic corner table could be outright painful at this point. Rather than getting relief, you walk away from your meal sometimes feeling even further apart than when you walked in.

Because the truth is, when couples are struggling to feel love, connection, and trust in their relationships they often either don’t desire to spend time together or being together heightens the realty of how severe the disconnection is. And we know forcing connection never helps to create connection!

[pullquote]“And we know forcing connection never helps to create connection!”[/pullquote]

Spending time together, away from the kids and other obligations is absolutely important to the health of your marriage. We simply need to be more intentional and purposeful with how we approach a night out.

Here are four ways date night will actually help your relationship:

1. Adjust Expectations

Understanding that date night isn’t a cure all to your relationship ailments is an essential first step. Use date night as a way to step toward reconnection. Expect it to feel awkward and expect it to take a while to get used to spending protected time together again. You may even experience jitters similar to when you were just starting to date! This is all perfectly Ok and in fact, normal.

2. Keep it Simple

Let’s keep the pressure off by simplifying what date night entails. Shooting for the perfect dinner at the finest restaurant is a mismatch when you and your partner are struggling to connect. Grabbing a simple meal at a casual local spot may be more comfortable and allow you both to relax. Going for a walk together could also be the perfect kick off to a night out. Focus more on getting back to basics together.

3. Learn About Each Other

Rather than hope for date night to dissolve the issues you may be having, seek to learn about your partner again. I encourage you to explore who your partner is and ask questions just as you would when you were first dating. I discourage you to go into the problem areas and hot button issues you may be facing. It will be tempting for you both to use this time to jump into issues that are real and present in your lives. Do your best to step away from the problem areas and start by being curious about partner.

4. Commitment + Consistency

This fourth step is absolutely the most important. Keeping your date night consistently scheduled will be essential to feeling closer and more connected. Because when you begin to protect this time together, you’re also acting to protect one another and your marriage. You are making it a priority against the many competing demands in your lives. You’re essentially proving to one another that they are what matters most.

Have you tried “Date Night”? What has worked for your marriage? What’s your biggest challenge? Leave me note and let me know!

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.