Guest User 8/19/18 Guest User 8/19/18

Master of First Dates

Dating is challenging and dating in the mountains has its own unique challenges. A main challenge is the shear lack of it. There are hook-ups and hang outs. But, rarely is there a proper date. With the lack of healthy dating emerges a new character to the relationship scene: The Master of First Dates.

The Master of First Dates has capitalized on this dating deficiency. Their central motive is to impress and seduce. All to fuel an underlying need to feel good about who they are and what they can offer. With a knack for an initial attention to detail, they’ve conquered a handful of solid go-to techniques. From basic manners, to being on the forefront of the restaurant scene, they’ll wine, dine and charm you. Compared to your last hook-up, you’ll feel like royalty when with a first date master.

This is exactly where the dating slope gets slippery.

Our human nature is to want more of what we like. We like to be taken out, focused on, and treated special. Therefore, the craving for successive dates with a true first date master is understandable. But here is where the line is drawn and where the Master of First Dates will not cross. On the other side of this line lies commitment, security, and stability. All of which the first date master quickly runs from.

The Master of First Dates isn’t interested in successive dates for one reason. It’s all about the thrill. The thrill that comes with newness, excitement, and enticement. With successive dates the thrill is lost and their secret is at risk of being discovered. Remember, The Master of First Dates has a limited array of impressive charming behaviors. Over multiple dates, these tend to be repeated and lose their appeal. They then stand to lose the power they’ve held and face the risk of rejection. Hence, the utter importance of keeping it new and fresh. It’s an incredibly successive strategy to avoiding the painful sting of rejection! But it is also successful in preventing real connection from being formed.

If you’re looking for a relationship that’s lasting, The Master of First Dates will distract you and lead you astray. They aren’t ready for commitment because frankly, they’re terrified by it. So, they mask their fears through being unattainable.

The clearest indication of a first date master is an overdone and overkill date. The old adage “too good to be true” fits here. The magical night together is quickly followed by distance, avoidance, and a dead-end. Resist the urge to chase after them, as they ride off into the sunset. You’ll soon grow exhausted and anxious by your efforts.

Tell me! Have you been with a Master of First Dates?

Guest User 5/3/18 Guest User 5/3/18

How to End a Relationship

Not every relationship is meant to last. It’s important to understand not only when to end a relationship but how to end it.

If you care for someone and are in a committed relationship with them that you believe needs to end, your emotional awareness is crucial to having it end lovingly rather than exploding in disaster. Showing up emotionally mature and responsive allows the end of the relationship to matter just as much as the beginning. It confirms that you care and validates that you always have.

When relationships end poorly, it impacts both partners. Often there’s a lingering pain that causes questioning of the entire relationship. Broken hearts wonder, “Was I ever truly loved and did they ever really care?” Or, “How can they just shut down their feelings and leave me? I must have never mattered.”

The result of damaging breakups is a pain that’s deeper and lasts much longer. There isn’t a sense of resolution or the ability to make sense of what has happened. There’s a sudden loss of someone you cared deeply for and it leaves most in a state of panic or despair.

If your relationship has run its course, break up with love and care. Honor that you tried and likely did all you knew to do to save the connection you created together. Honor that you both discovered needs that perhaps could not be met in the relationship.

Here are four steps to help you end a relationship:

1. Get clear on why

When you’re left in the dark, unclear as to why the relationship ended, it adds to the pain you’re already feeling. This is usually due to a lack of clarity and ability to discuss the reasons openly. If you need to end an important relationship, first get thoughtful as to what your own reasons are. Write them out, find the words, because these words matter most to the person you are leaving. It soothes an emotionally upset mind when there’s some logic on board to help make sense of the situation. If you aren’t aware of your own heartfelt reasons, talk it out with a friend, your family, or a therapist. But get clear!

2. Communicate Early

Immature harmful breakups happen abruptly. Mature adult breakups occur when the couple has discussed together specific ongoing issues. When they have tried to work through tough points. Hiding away your feelings to avoid conflict, even if you might be trying to protect your partner, is detrimental to your relationship and to the breakup. Share openly what you’re struggling with. Talk about what is difficult for you and identifywhat your needs are. This will help you both understand that while you may care for each other, that you may not be the best fit for one another. Let your partner in when you start to question whether you can remain committed to them.

3. Set Boundaries Together

Once you’ve discussed ending the relationship it is crucial that you create a plan on what to do next. If this is a committed relationship it’s likely you’ve shared important parts of your lives or it’s likely you even live together. It is essential to openly discuss how to go forward. A boundary is basically what’s ok and what’s not ok. How do we separate our things? How do we handle shared friends? How do we share a pet? You must keep in mind that these boundaries need to be more ridged than flexible at first. You both need to grieve the relationship and recreate your lives as separate people. Continuing to overlap parts of your life will not be helpful and could add more harm…especially at first.

4. Friendship Needs to Wait

After setting boundaries, it’s important to be specific about the desire for friendship. Chances are that you both still care for each other. So, you might think it makes sense to build a friendship. But this isn’t possible immediately after a breakup. Both individuals first need to grieve the intimate relationship in their own ways before considering the possibility of creating friendship. We need to completely end what once was, in order to create something new. When you strive for friendship too early, it impacts your own healing and too often feelings get tangled into a mess. Pause and give space if you have hope for a future friendship.

A breakup will always bring heartbreak and hurt. By showing up open and loving we can minimize the damage and the lasting impact of a relationship ending. And it will help you both heal much faster!

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

Guest User 5/3/18 Guest User 5/3/18

Why Date Night Won't Save Your Marriage

Why is it that date night remains the most common suggestion for struggling relationships, while it also continues to fail as a helpful remedy?

It’s awful to be struggling in your marriage. When you’re feeling stuck and unable to connect with the one you love most, it can leave you utterly helpless. You want the quickest solution to resolve the problem and get back to feeling solid together.

Date night has become the most commonly suggested quick fix and doable idea for floundering relationships. It makes sense. More time together should equal a better relationship.

But too often this equation falls short. And when date night fails, you find yourself sinking deeper into a hole of despair. You’re left thinking and wondering, “What do we (or I) do now?!”

"Why is it that date night remains the most common suggestion for struggling relationships, while it also continues to fail as a helpful remedy?"

It’s honestly a pretty dang simple answer. When you’re struggling to connect with your partner you are both caught in strong patterns of actions, feelings, and ideas that keep you disconnected. And if you’re disconnecting more often than not, going to your favorite restaurant is not going to self-correct your toxic patterns. In fact, sitting at a romantic corner table could be outright painful at this point. Rather than getting relief, you walk away from your meal sometimes feeling even further apart than when you walked in.

Because the truth is, when couples are struggling to feel love, connection, and trust in their relationships they often either don’t desire to spend time together or being together heightens the realty of how severe the disconnection is. And we know forcing connection never helps to create connection!

[pullquote]“And we know forcing connection never helps to create connection!”[/pullquote]

Spending time together, away from the kids and other obligations is absolutely important to the health of your marriage. We simply need to be more intentional and purposeful with how we approach a night out.

Here are four ways date night will actually help your relationship:

1. Adjust Expectations

Understanding that date night isn’t a cure all to your relationship ailments is an essential first step. Use date night as a way to step toward reconnection. Expect it to feel awkward and expect it to take a while to get used to spending protected time together again. You may even experience jitters similar to when you were just starting to date! This is all perfectly Ok and in fact, normal.

2. Keep it Simple

Let’s keep the pressure off by simplifying what date night entails. Shooting for the perfect dinner at the finest restaurant is a mismatch when you and your partner are struggling to connect. Grabbing a simple meal at a casual local spot may be more comfortable and allow you both to relax. Going for a walk together could also be the perfect kick off to a night out. Focus more on getting back to basics together.

3. Learn About Each Other

Rather than hope for date night to dissolve the issues you may be having, seek to learn about your partner again. I encourage you to explore who your partner is and ask questions just as you would when you were first dating. I discourage you to go into the problem areas and hot button issues you may be facing. It will be tempting for you both to use this time to jump into issues that are real and present in your lives. Do your best to step away from the problem areas and start by being curious about partner.

4. Commitment + Consistency

This fourth step is absolutely the most important. Keeping your date night consistently scheduled will be essential to feeling closer and more connected. Because when you begin to protect this time together, you’re also acting to protect one another and your marriage. You are making it a priority against the many competing demands in your lives. You’re essentially proving to one another that they are what matters most.