Too Busy To Connect

Another summer season seems to be slipping through my fingers. There are never enough days to cross off the bucket list of hikes and adventures. My husband and I recently found ourselves arguing about this exact issue. Both frustrated by how we struggle to have time to actually spend time together. From what I can tell and from what I’m hearing, we’re not the only couple in the valley with this problem. There are plenty of you among us! 

Between work obligations, family visiting, weddings, baby showers, volunteering, we barely have a few long weekends left to be out together exploring these mountains. We share in the disappointment but usually look to the other person to give up a commitment verses volunteering to let go of one of our own…

Some might call it a catch-22. But I see this as nearly too common of an epidemic. We just too busy to connect. Multiple jobs, the kid’s constant activities, additional obligations, including that race or marathon you have to train for, all get in the way of our relationships. 

Think about this: What if this time was committed back into your relationships? 

Being busy has nothing to do with being productive or fulfilled. Busyness is merely distraction wrapped up in convincing packaging. We over schedule meetings, draw out long to-do lists, add another activity, another event, all to make ourselves feel good for having so much to accomplish. But the research tells us, being this busy actually defeats and drains us. Taking a significant toll on our mental and physical well-being. 

Without time to rest, slow down, and to be present, our bodies and minds are in constant over drive. We’re overstimulated and burning out. We rarely ever pause to reflect on what we’re doing and why we do it, persistent to keep moving on to the bigger better thing. It’s honestly a compulsion and it may even suffice that many of us are addicted to staying busy. 

To have meaningful connection with others and to build solid relationships, we need time. Time to experience each other, to talk, share and listen. We even need time to prioritize each other. This ended up being at the heart of that argument my husband and I had. Neither of us felt like we were much of a priority to the other.  Which wasn’t an intention of his nor mine. It’s merely the result of when we put too much ahead of relationships. 

When we can begin to prioritize our families and our friendships, we also begin to practice saying no. No to what is extra. No to what is getting in the way of being able to slow life down and to spend more time “being” with each other - rather than “doing” with each other. I’ve been personally practicing saying no to work and reducing my overbooked schedule. It a tough exercise because I love what I do! But it is important. Because it is a practice of beginning to say yes to the relationships that matter most to me. 

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

Why Date Night Won't Save Your Marriage

It’s awful to be struggling in your marriage. When you’re feeling stuck and unable to connect with the one you love most, it can leave you utterly helpless. You want the quickest solution to resolve the problem and get back to feeling solid together.

Date night has become the most commonly suggested quick fix and doable idea for floundering relationships.  It makes sense. More time together should equal a better relationship.

But too often this equation falls short. And when date night fails, you find yourself sinking deeper into a hole of despair. You’re left thinking and wondering, “What do we (or I) do now?!”

"Why is it that date night remains the most common suggestion for struggling relationships, while it also continues to fail as a helpful remedy?"

It’s honestly a pretty dang simple answer. When you’re struggling to connect with your partner you are both caught in strong patterns of actions, feelings, and ideas that keep you disconnected. And if you’re disconnecting more often than not, going to your favorite restaurant is not going to self-correct your toxic patterns. In fact, sitting at a romantic corner table could be outright painful at this point. Rather than getting relief, you walk away from your meal sometimes feeling even further apart than when you walked in.

Because the truth is, when couples are struggling to feel love, connection, and trust in their relationships they often either don’t desire to spend time together or being together heightens the realty of how severe the disconnection is. And we know forcing connection never helps to create connection!

[pullquote]“And we know forcing connection never helps to create connection!”[/pullquote]

Spending time together, away from the kids and other obligations is absolutely important to the health of your marriage. We simply need to be more intentional and purposeful with how we approach a night out.

Here are four ways date night will actually help your relationship:

1. Adjust Expectations

Understanding that date night isn’t a cure all to your relationship ailments is an essential first step. Use date night as a way to step toward reconnection. Expect it to feel awkward and expect it to take a while to get used to spending protected time together again. You may even experience jitters similar to when you were just starting to date! This is all perfectly Ok and in fact, normal.

2. Keep it Simple

Let’s keep the pressure off by simplifying what date night entails. Shooting for the perfect dinner at the finest restaurant is a mismatch when you and your partner are struggling to connect. Grabbing a simple meal at a casual local spot may be more comfortable and allow you both to relax. Going for a walk together could also be the perfect kick off to a night out. Focus more on getting back to basics together.

3. Learn About Each Other

Rather than hope for date night to dissolve the issues you may be having, seek to learn about your partner again. I encourage you to explore who your partner is and ask questions just as you would when you were first dating. I discourage you to go into the problem areas and hot button issues you may be facing. It will be tempting for you both to use this time to jump into issues that are real and present in your lives. Do your best to step away from the problem areas and start by being curious about partner.

4. Commitment + Consistency

This fourth step is absolutely the most important. Keeping your date night consistently scheduled will be essential to feeling closer and more connected. Because when you begin to protect this time together, you’re also acting to protect one another and your marriage. You are making it a priority against the many competing demands in your lives. You’re essentially proving to one another that they are what matters most.

Have you tried “Date Night”? What has worked for your marriage? What’s your biggest challenge? Leave me note and let me know!

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.