What to do When Feeling Disconnected...

In every relationship, disconnection happens. While it may be normal, it isn’t healthy. When disconnection seeps into a relationship, what we do with it matters most. 

Like a slow leak, when left to its own devices, disconnection can cause severe damage over time. And if we wait for the flood, we’re sometimes too late to the scene. When couples enter my office in complete crisis, with their marriages and relationships on the brink, I often discover disconnecting patterns that started early in the relationship. For years, they either didn’t notice the slow leak or they had no idea how to talk about it or what to do with it. 

It’s important to understand that as social human beings, we are wired to be in relationships. And more so, we are wired to be in relationships where we can depend and need others. We weren’t made to be isolated and solely independent beings. Being on our own causes illness, disease, depression, and anxieties. So, when disconnection shows up in your relationship, it’s imperative you know what to do next. 

Notice

Tune into the red flags of disconnection. It might be less time spent together, increasing conflict, less physical touch, or perpetuating silence when you’re in the same room. Red flags vary for each relationship. But there are common feelings that signals disconnect. It’s usually a ping of loneliness, feelings of misunderstanding, and questioning whether you truly matter to your mate.  

Close the Gap

When disconnection shows up, a common response is to wait and avoid. And nothing could be more damaging! This is when that slow leak starts to wreak havoc. The sooner disconnection is addressed the better. Yes, we all need moments to pause or step away when things get heated. But learning how to come together ASAP to repair and close the gap is critical. Face and trust your feelings of disconnection. Then courageously go towards your partner to tell them what you’re noticing. Most importantly, let your partner know that you’re seeking to reconnect and that you’re not looking to place blame or attack. 

Check In

If you and your partner can make it a regular habit to check in on your connection, you’re well on your way to having a strong secure relationship. Begin being purposeful in asking not just “how are you?” but asking “How connected do you feel with me? Have I been showing up for you?” These are emotionally intimate questions and conversations. At first, they may feel awkward or strange. That’s Ok. Because moving into discomfort is how we grow in relationship. Take the risk! And you’ll soon find the reward. 

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.

What to Ask a Therapist?

Seeking out counseling is usually nerve racking, vulnerable, and likely scary for most. That initial phone call to a therapist is usually one the hardest first steps. At least that’s what I hear from my clients… And research tells me folks consider counseling at least eight times before ever reaching out. All the while, they remain stuck, stagnant, and hurt. 

It all makes sense to me. Here you are, in a painful, uncertain moment in your life. Part of you is begging for guidance and help. Another part of you doesn’t want anyone to know how deeply you’re struggling. We all tend to hide these more vulnerable parts away, to try to keep them protected and out of sight. I get it and have been there myself - not knowing which therapist to call or how to even decide who is the best person help.

Then there’s the valid thought of, “Why would I go to a stranger and open up? Shouldn’t I be able to reach out to my partner, my best friend or my mom?” Absolutely. And you definitely need these important people in your corner to give love and support. But what I often tell those who reach out to me, is if you could have resolved this issue or struggle, you likely would have. Often clients have exhausted options and run into dead ends in finding relief. Also, when struggling in life or in relationships, you need an unbiased guide who knows which path to take. A guide who has specialized training, skills, and knowledge. That’s where someone like me, a therapist, comes in. While mom or your best friend are well intentioned, they too are impacted when they see you struggling and what you need from them is different from what a therapist can give. 

The other piece clients tell me is that, “I don’t know what to ask. This is so new and different, I’m a bit lost in what I should do.” Let me step in and help. If you’ve been thinking about counseling to help you, your relationship or your family here’s a quick go to guide on what to ask a therapist. Because this is your life and your heart. You need to have confidence that this person can give you the help you’re needing. 

1.     What do you specialize in? 

We can’t do it all! And more importantly, we need to know what we are great at. While most therapists are capable of seeing a wide array of clients, high performing and high quality therapists know what they specialize in. From populations to issues, a great therapist will clearly tell you what their areas of focus are while also explaining what their limitation are. 

If you are facing challenges in your relationship or marriage, reaching out for help with your child/adolescent, or facing aspects of trauma and addiction these are critical areas to ensure a therapist has specific training, certification and support in. If they can’t articulate how they are specialized, it might be best to keep exploring a better fit. 

2.     What model do you use and why? What is your overall approach to therapy?

Along with clarifying specializations, therapists need to be able to articulate their approach to counseling and be able to explain it in terms that you can understand. Academic, psychological, mumbo-jumbo that glides right over your head is not what you need. You deserve to understand why they do what they do.  

3.     Tell me about your experience and how long have you been practicing? 

These are simple important facts to know and understand. Even if the therapist is new, they can have a wealth of experience that supports their work. Be open to learning about their experiences beyond the walls of private practice. And pay attention to whether they continually invest in keeping their skills sharp with trainings and certifications. 

4.     Do you receive supervision? Do you regularly consult with other therapists?

This is critical. It’s common for therapists to report feelings of isolation in their practice. Once they’ve graduated, become licensed, and are experienced many therapists stop growing. No matter how long someone has been practicing or how experienced they might be, collaborating with others is essential to providing high quality care. 

5.     Do you value relationships, emotional bonds, or would you say you are neutral or believe in individualistic modalities? 

This is a suggested question from my own supervisor and mentor, Jim Thomas. Jim is a renown therapist and international trainer. As Emotionally Focused Therapists (EFT) we prioritize relationships and the bonds that connect us. Because it is only through secure relationships that we experience our deepest healing. So, Jim and I suggest you take into serious account how a therapist views connection to others in their approaches to counseling. 

Vail Relationship Institute is locate in Vail, CO and specializes in healing relationships. The highly trained team of therapists provides couples counseling, family therapy, and individual counseling to help them address deep disconnection and emotional pain. We also provide community events and online courses, all because we believe relationships matter most.